Sure Fire Personal Ads
I’d like to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Man 36. Single. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.
7 million is good for me. Most days though I plateau at around 3 million. Any advances? Man with low sperm count (35- that’s my age) seeks woman in no hurry to see the zygotes divide.
Bald, short , fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.
You’re a brunette, 6′, long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4′ 10", have the looks of Hervé Villechaize (Fantasy Island) and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds.
Bastard, complete and utter. Whatever you do don’t reply, you’ll only regret it.
List your ten favourite albums. I don’t want to compare notes, I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we break up. Practical forward thinking male, 35.
Source: They Call me Naughty Lola: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books, edited by David Rose (Scribner, 2006).